When I woke up, I knew it had to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 1 am. I heard the whirring of the fridge. I never noticed that particular noise being this loud during the
day. I turned over trying to get comfortable, so I could fall back to sleep, but it evaded me, I tried chasing it down,but it was not wanting to be caught. I lay still for a while
and a silent tear rolled down my cheek. That came out of nowhere or, so I thought but as I payed closer attention to my inner mind world I could tell I was far from alright. It
played out like a bad movie in my mind and the damn remote was stuck, ahhh why am I dealing with this again? I had buried this a long time ago, it’s done, over, yet here I
lay tossing this ball around in my head driving my blood pressure up past normal.
Past mistakes and failures, whispering how I had blown it yet again poking their ugly
fingers at me wanting to torment me. I’m sure we have all been there on the edge of insanity, needing, yes wanting something to dull the pain inside. I got through that night and I’m positive I will get through anything else that is thrown my way. I have come to realize these things pop up to test us, to test our faith. I could choose which path I wanted to travel that night, had I chosen to dwell in the vicinity of my past mistakes and failures I would have become a desert dweller, stifled in the heat and drought. Choking out all the positive things that have happened in my life.
I did take a tour of that place and started opening doors, looking down dark shadowy basement stairs, following damp foggy winding trails in the woods of my mind, I was being pulled into this underworld of doubt. What if I didn’t raise my children right, what if I messed up this and what if I messed up that. STOP I silently yelled at myself, you did the best you knew how, your children are fine, and they have turned into amazing adults. It took a lot of effort to get myself out of those shadowy woods of self-defeat, and into the light, as these defeating thoughts turned to a puff
of smoke and blew away, I found my peace again and fell asleep.
I’m sure all mothers go through this process a hundred or more times in their life time and it’s normal to have those things pop up but it’s not ok for us to stay there. Feel confident in your ability to raise your family, if mistakes are made, be quick to apologize and move forward don’t stay stuck in self-defeat and self-pity. You are made for so much greatness, hold your head high and allow yourself to shine bright! You are worth it!!